So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
