we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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