Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
