He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
