Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
