I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
