We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
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