yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
