I didn't shave. On purpose
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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