Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Randomize
