I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
