I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He shit in the fireplace
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
