So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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