Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Randomize
