So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
