My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
