I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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