Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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