I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
50% drunk capacity currently
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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