Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
