Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
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