he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
