Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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