You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
