She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.