the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
