Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
