Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize