$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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