You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
