i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Randomize
