am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
