My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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