Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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