i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
