yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
