I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
