her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
