I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
