What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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