fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
