You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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