you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
