You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
