If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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