mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Sorry my hands just texted you
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
