He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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