I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
