he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
