Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
