my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
