dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
