Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
