So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
