Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
