How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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