I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Sext me about skeletons
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I know her cup size but not her name....
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
