She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Randomize
