I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
