and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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