So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
