just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
