we're blogging at a bar
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
