we're chasing vodka with high fives
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
your like the ambassador to my penis.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
