Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
